Well yesterday was quite a day down here in the so called sleepy
market town of Dumfries. And it was
quite a day for our small little charity.
Some background facts might be a good idea.
Regular readers will know that a few months ago the Trussell
Trust decided that Dumfries was in need of a
second foodbank. To say we were not best amused would be something of an
understatement. I wrote a blog about it. And thousands of people read the blog
including the local paper who turned it into front page news. Then The Daily
Record grabbed a piece of it and amazingly enough our little Dumfries Foodbank
spat went national. Somebody dusted the blog down yesterday and sent it back
into the fray and another couple of thousand people gave it a read. It’s here
by the way.
At about the same time David Mundell, who at the time was
the one and only Tory MP in Scotland,
was invited up to the Parliament in Hoyrood to answer some questions. Was the impact of his Government’s Welfare Reform
Policies behind so very many people needing foodbanks?
He was very certain in his answers.
Absolutely not!
Perish the thought.
Such delude nonsense could only come from deluded Pinkos and
closet communists!
Joan McAlpine, our local MSP, hit him with some figures from
a blog I had written about the situation in the ex coal mining village of Kelloholm.
His ill thought out and mildly idiotic response went on
provoke a minor media storm. He stated
‘Everything that man
says should be taken with a pinch of salt!’
And pray why?
‘Because he is a
prominent ‘YES’ campaigner!’
Oh dear oh dear David. Not so smart, right?
We invited David along to spend an afternoon at First Bass
to serve a few food parcels and to listen to the back stories of those who need
them. It isn’t such a terribly radical idea. Joan McAlpine MP did it. Richard
Arkles MP did it.
David decided not to dignify our invitation with a reply.
Well yesterday both of the back stories came together.
The Trussell Trust decided to have an all singing, all
dancing launch event for their latest franchise and they invited David Mundell
along to cut the ribbon.
To be honest it was never going to be a good look and it
soon became very apparent that there would be an awful lot of very angry people
turning out to let him know their thoughts.
Of course there have been some pretty big changes of late. David is no
longer merely the Last of the Tory Mohicans. He is now Scotland’s top
dog. Secretary of State for Scotland
complete with ministerial salary and ministerial car and a ministerial pension
to die for. He is Viceroy now and fronting up the latest round of Welfare
Reforms as decreed by London Rule.
Was it really so surprising that people who have been kicked
squarely in the teeth by this nasty Government might decide to avail themselves
of the opportunity to have a pop at the visiting Viceroy?
On the evening before the event I got a rather frantic call
from The Trussell Trust asking if I could come along and be all nicey, nicey
for the Minister.
Nice to be asked, but no thanks, actually.
I told them my thoughts about their new Foodbank haven’t
changed one jot. It also seemed to me not the greatest idea to show my face
after what David said about me in the Scottish Parliament.
By the way, since the new food bank opened in March they have
handed out 128 food parcels. We have handed out just shy of 2000.
ITV Border called to ask if I would be there. Actually, no.
Could they call round to First Base to do an interview? Of course they could.
In the end they needed no more than a scrap of footage from our place: the pictures
of what kicked off two hundred yards up the road were much more media friendly.
I asked Lesley and Anne if they would take a walk up and see
how big the crowd was.
They took a walk up and on the way decided they would try
and blag their way in and ask the Minister why he had accepted the Trussell
Trust invitation and never replied to ours.
By the time they arrived, the crowd was densely packed and
angry and the front door of the Foodbank was locked tight. They forced their
way to the front and gained entry by identifying themselves as a delegation
from First Base.
Believe me, you would have let them in as well. Two formidable
ladies on a mission.
Inside the tables were groaning with buffet food ready and waiting
to be eaten. A pop up banner announced that ‘EVERY TOWN SHOULD HAVE ONE’
As in a Trussell Trust foodbank.
I’m not so sure about that to be honest.
The local manager and the Minister made bland speeches and
photo opportunities were taken.
Then there was a clear plan about what was to happen next.
The Minister would take questions from the press and then do the rounds with
the guests. All nice and informal and leisurely. Chit chat and finger food.
But it didn’t work out that way.
The two First Base ladies stepped to the front with Lesley
doing her guerrilla film maker thing with her mobile phone.
“Mr Mundell, can I ask why you wouldn’t come to the First
Base Agency…”
“Mr Mundell, can I ask why you will not accept First Base’s
statistics….”
Oh my God!!!!!
The utter terrifying horror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
What sheer terror must have flowed through the Minister
as he was attacked with such ferocity. His very own Brighton Bomb moment had
arrived.
I shudder to think how he must have felt at that gut
churning moment..
In the blink of an eye, everything had become dangerous and
so very scary.
This was worse than any baying mob in West
Belfast hurling half bricks and petrol bombs.
For these were the First Base ladies and they make ISIS look like pussy cats.
One in her twenties and one in her seventies.
AND THEY WERE ASKING HIM QUESTIONS!!!!
OH MY GOD!!!!!
At first he tried to deal with the fear and stand his
ground. And he was magnificently eloquent under pressure.
“Aye…. Well….If….if ….uh…….”
But then he could stand it no more. And let’s be frank here,
which of us could have stood up such a brutal attack?
He proved he is only human.
He broke.
He ran.
Through the back door and to the yard where the Ministerial
car was waiting to get him clear of Dumfries Dodge.
Lesley’s guerrilla style video is a 40 second long classic
which deserves to be submitted for a nomination at the Sundance Festival.
Follow this link if you want to have a watch.
“Aye…. Well….If….if….uh…….”
You’ve got to love it.
Everyone inside the launch party was left rather bemused.
Where was the Minister? Why wasn’t he taking any questions? Why wasn’t he doing
a spot of glad handing? Why wasn’t he tucking into all of that lovely buffet
food?
But of course they hadn’t seen the vicious Al Queda style
ambush he had been subjected to by our two foodbank Jihadis.
However getting out of Dodge did not prove to be easy. There
was a wild and dangerous mob lying in wait.
The horror.
The sheer unmitigated horror.
George Bush might have thought that his cruise missile
attack on Baghdad
was ‘shock and awe’.
Dubya, that was nothing compared to the living hell that
David had to live through yesterday. People shouted at him. Shouted! And waved
banners! Oh sweet Jesus imagine it.
And I find it hard to even write this but we must not flinch
in these dangerous times when wild eyed Nationalists threaten to destroy our very
way of British life.
So brace yourself reader.
This will make for hard reading….
Someone stuck a ‘YES’ badge on the back of his ministerial
car.
The horror. Oh the sheer horror….
No wonder the news channels blazed out the story of the
heroic Minister being driven from town bay a savage, baying mob. No doubt he
will now require trauma therapy for many years to come.
Maybe as voters we are over demanding. Maybe we expect our
leaders to show almost impossible courage. But real life isn’t like Hollywood. Had it been
the big screen, David would have ripped off his jacket and shirt and faced the
mob down Bruce Willis style in his vest.
But that is the movies.
Yesterday the Secretary of State for Scotland faced
truly terrible things.
People asked questions. People shouted. People waved
placards.
And someone stuck a ‘YES’ badge on his car.
So yes.
No wonder he ran.
Of course he ran. Surely anyone would run in the face of
such a danger to life and limb…..
Urmmm.
Well when you think about it….
They don’t actually.
I’ll trot out two quick examples.
September 1931. Ghandi has persuaded millions of Indians to
boycott British cotton. All across Lancashire
the mills are closed down. And people are starving. Not going to a food bank
starving. Actually starving. Ghandi comes over to Britain to meet the King. He hears
about the appalling situation in the small cotton town of Darwen where all the mills are closed and
where people are actually staving. You can maybe imagine how those starving Lancastrians
felt about the little brown man in the loin cloth who was responsible for their
misery.
I guess they would have happily lynched him.
Did he run away? No he didn’t run away. Instead he got the
train up to Darwen and walked out of the station and into the street to meet
the thousands of starving cotton mill workers who were waiting to hang him from
the nearest tree.
They didn’t.
Instead they were awed by his charisma and his courage. It
happened 84 years ago and yet the people in Darwen still remember the little
brown man in the loin cloth with respect and fondness.
1981. Toxteth is ablaze with the worst riots Britain has seen
in decades. It is the high point
of the Thatcherite fury. Someone has to go there to see what is happening. On
the ground. In Liverpool. In Toxteth.
Michael Hesseltine puts his had up and sets off north.
Did he sneak into the city, make a quick speech in a sealed
of building and leave before people knew he was there?
No. He went. He stayed. He made a point of traveling
everywhere on the bus. He stood his ground. Fought his corner. Showed bottle.
He won Scouse respect and still has it.
So no David.
You didn’t have to run.
And no matter how the tabloids try to spin it, running was
actually rather pathetic.
Which brings me to the issue of my timing looking like being
right for once.
A few weeks ago I did the First Base cash flow spreadsheets and they
had something of an Athens
look about them.
First Base is £15,000 short for the year.
Unless we fill the hole, the lights will be going out in
January.
At which point I came up with a cunning plan which goes something
like this. I am a man who wears two hats. There is the pulp fiction writer hat.
And there is the Foodbank manager hat.
I decided to take the two hats and turn them into one.
And I decided to take some fact and turn it into some fiction.
Fact: David Mundell slags me in the Scottish Parliament, we
invite him to come along to First Base, he doesn’t bother to reply, the Tories
win and outright majority and he gets the Viceroy job.
Fiction. In a made up world, it is a made up MP called James
Shillingford-Moore who slags me off in the Scottish Parliament and goes on to
become Viceroy of Scotland.
But in the Wild West world of pulp fiction, circumstances
force him to accept the invitation to come along and serve food parcels in
First Base.
So he comes along.
And two disgruntled veterans come along armed with semi
automatic weapons and take him hostage.
It doesn’t take all that very long for things to escalate
and to get completely out of hand.
The book is called ‘The Great Foodbank Siege’ and it will be up,
running and live on Amazon in a couple of weeks.
It will cost £2.99 and once Amazon have taken their share,
£2 a copy will go to filling our First Base financial hole.
We will be looking for every bit of support we can get to
help promote the book. I will write more when it is launched. Over the next
week or so I will post a couple of recorded audio sneak peaks.
So you can maybe see why the timing is pretty good.
The Secretary of State for Scotland didn’t get taken hostage
in a foodbank by armed men yesterday.
But he WAS seen running away with his tail between his legs
all across the social media and the mainstream media.
That looks like pretty good pre-publicity to me!!!!
Excellent article Mark.
ReplyDeleteI'll get the book as soon as it's available and publicise it on my blog.
I was thinking that had this been either Nicola or Alex, would they have run away from the situation. I suspect not. They'd have stayed and talked it out with them.
I'd suggest Mundell doesn't actually believe in what he's selling. He knows perfectly well that the Tory government from England is driving Scottish people to hunger. He has no answer.
Thanks Tris. Your help in promoting 'The Great Foodbank Siege' is hugely appreciated. The book will go live the week after next but I will be blogging a couple of audio extracts in the next few days. Boy oh boy the strory of Mundell being run out of town is getting a hell of a lot of hits!
DeleteMark: You may be interested in this:
Deletehttps://www.facebook.com/RichardArklessSNP/posts/379435748919471
and this
https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/61402/ministerial-code-may-2010.pdf
A sad story of Tory nastiness personified. Much luck with your fundraising....just off to my kindle ...
ReplyDeleteNothing for the Kindle just yet! The book will go live the week after next. Hope you enjoy it
Deletehttps://www.opendemocracy.net/ourkingdom/mel-kelly/well-trousered-philanthropists-tory-party-chums-and-food-parcels-for-poor Make of this what you will.
ReplyDeleteAnd seeing what the Mail published via Munguin's, I nearly exploded, total disgrace, but what's new with that rag.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the Munguin plug.
DeleteWe'll do all we can there to publicise the book.
Will someone let me know if I miss its publication?
I am looking forward to reading the book when it comes out. One comment that I would like to add, is that all of Mark's novels are worth reading. He is a really good writer, and I don't understand why he has not received more recognition.
ReplyDeleteJohn McLeod